Making requests

One problem commonly voiced by parents is that their child will not comply with requests. The way a request is made can have a big impact on whether or not your child complies. The following are some general guidelines for making requests: 

A request such as…“I really need you to clean your room so would you please be a good boy and go upstairs, pick up, make your bed, and put your dirty clothes in the hamper?” may not result in compliance for several reasons. The child may become distracted by the length of the request or confused by the number of tasks included in the request. The child may complete the first step of the request (going upstairs), but forget what they were supposed to do next. The request to “pick up” does not specify what specifically the child is to do. The child may pick up toys, but not clothes, or vice versa. Simple, specific directions will be more likely to result in compliance than vague or multi-step directions. Clearly state in simple language and as few words as possible what you would like your child to do. An alternative to the request above would be to take the child upstairs to their room and say “Please pick up your toys and put them in the toy box”. 

 It is easy to become frustrated by a child who does not comply to your requests. Sometimes this frustration becomes perceptible in the tone of voice and words used to make a request. A harsh tone may be less likely to result in compliance. The best strategy is to adopt a neutral businesslike tone of voice and clearly state in a calm but firm voice what you want your child to do. Try not to yell. 

Requests are often more effective when stated as a directive (e.g., “Please pick up your toys”) than when they are stated as a question (e.g., “Will you please pick up your toys?” or “Do you want to pick up your toys, please?”). If you phrase your request as a question your child may answer “no”. In the second example above, “no” is a legitimate answer! 

Requests that specify what you want your the child to do are often more effective than those that tell your child to stop doing something. One reason for this is that “do” requests are less vague than “don’t” requests because they limit the number of alternative behaviors your child may engage in. For example, if you tell your child “stop climbing on the cabinets!” he or she may comply by coming down from the cabinets, but may then engage in any of a number of other inappropriate behaviors. The “do” request, “please come here and hold my hand”, gives your the child a specific response to engage in. 

It is critical that you follow through on every request that you make. If your child obeys, praise or thank him/her. If he/she does not obey, repeat your request only once, and then use a correction procedure such as Time-Out. Do not discuss or negotiate the task with your child until he or she has complied. If you attempt to explain “why” to your child then your child may perceive that the request is negotiable. Occasionally your child may bring up a valid point. Even in these circumstances, do not change or eliminate the request unless absolutely necessary. Instead, note your child’s reason, discuss it later, and take it into consideration the next time you make the same request. 

Because it is so important that you follow through on all requests, it is also important that you only make requests that you are prepared to make sure get completed. If you do not have the time, energy, or emotional strength to follow through, do not make the request. Once you make a request, be prepared to follow through.

Some parents find that timers are helpful. Rather than telling your child to pick up toys, tell your child they will need to pick them up in 5 minutes, and then set the timer in a visible place. When the timer rings, remind your child of what you asked him/her to do and proceed to follow through as needed. 

Some children respond best to choices. For example, you might say, “I need you to pick up your toys or help me with the dishes. You choose.” This gives the child a choice and may improve compliance.