One problem commonly voiced by parents is that their child will not comply with requests. The way a request is made can have a big impact on whether or not your child complies.
The following are some general guidelines for making requests:
A request such as…“I really need you to clean your room so would you please be a good boy and go upstairs, pick up, make your bed, and put your dirty clothes in the hamper?” may not result in compliance for several reasons. The child may become distracted by the length of the request or confused by the number of tasks included in the request. The child may complete the first step of the request (going upstairs), but forget what they were supposed to do next. The request to “pick up” does not specify what specifically the child is to do. The child may pick up toys, but not clothes, or vice versa. Simple, specific directions will be more likely to result in compliance than vague or multi-step directions. Clearly state in simple language and as few words as possible what you would like your child to do. An alternative to the request above would be to take the child upstairs to their room and say “Please pick up your toys and put them in the toy box”.
It is easy to become frustrated by a child who does not comply to your requests. Sometimes this frustration becomes perceptible in the tone of voice and words used to make a request. A harsh tone may be less likely to result in compliance. The best strategy is to adopt a neutral businesslike tone of voice and clearly state in a calm but firm voice what you want your child to do. Try not to yell.
Requests are often more effective when stated as a directive (e.g., “Please pick up your toys”) than when they are stated as a question (e.g., “Will you please pick up your toys?” or “Do you want to pick up your toys, please?”). If you phrase your request as a question your child may answer “no”. In the second example above, “no” is a legitimate answer!
Requests that specify what you want your the child to do are often more effective than those that tell your child to stop doing something. One reason for this is that “do” requests are less vague than “don’t” requests because they limit the number of alternative behaviors your child may engage in. For example, if you tell your child “stop climbing on the cabinets!” he or she may comply by coming down from the cabinets, but may then engage in any of a number of other inappropriate behaviors. The “do” request, “please come here and hold my hand”, gives your the child a specific response to engage in.
It is critical that you follow through on every request that you make. If your child obeys, praise or thank him/her. If he/she does not obey, repeat your request only once, and then use a correction procedure such as Time-Out. Do not discuss or negotiate the task with your child until he or she has complied. If you attempt to explain “why” to your child then your child may perceive that the request is negotiable. Occasionally your child may bring up a valid point. Even in these circumstances, do not change or eliminate the request unless absolutely necessary. Instead, note your child’s reason, discuss it later, and take it into consideration the next time you make the same request.
Because it is so important that you follow through on all requests, it is also important that you only make requests that you are prepared to make sure get completed. If you do not have the time, energy, or emotional strength to follow through, do not make the request. Once you make a request, be prepared to follow through.
Some parents find that timers are helpful. Rather than telling your child to pick up toys, tell your child they will need to pick them up in 5 minutes, and then set the timer in a visible place. When the timer rings, remind your child of what you asked him/her to do and proceed to follow through as needed.
Some children respond best to choices. For example, you might say, “I need you to pick up your toys or help me with the dishes. You choose.” This gives the child a choice and may improve compliance.
Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, (FASD) is not a mental health diagnosis or a medical diagnosis but is an umbrella term used to describe a range of syndromes and disorders that can occur in a child whose mother consumed alcohol during pregnancy. The effects and symptoms vary in severity. Many children share the common effects which include emotional, physical and learning difficulties. The common physical characteristics that can be associated with FASD are facial deformities, growth deficits, heart, liver, kidney defects, vision and hearing problems as well as permanent brain damage. FASD is the only 100% preventable cause of mental retardation and birth defects in the United States and FASD is 100% untreatable. It is estimated that FASD affects 40,000 infants each year. This is more than Spinal Bifida, Down Syndrome and Muscular Dystrophy combined.
Alcohol damages the parts of the brain that gives us memory, self control, coordinator and judgment. Children with FASD often have difficulties with learning, attention, memory, central nervous system, and problem solving skills that may have lifelong implications. FASD is a permanent condition and affects every aspect of the child's life and the life of their family.
The emotional toll on families cannot be underestimated. For birth parents, acknowledging that their child's mental retardation, birth defects, and/or neurodevelopment disorders are a result of maternal prenatal alcohol consumption is very difficult to face. For adoptive or foster parents, discovering that their child suffers from FASD after years of trying to understand his cognitive and behavioral problems results in feelings of frustration and isolation.
As an adoptive mom I can tell you raising a child with FASD is the hardest but the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Andrew is now 13 years old and is in the seventh grade. He is sweet, generous, loving and very naive. He also has exhibited many of the symptoms associated with FASD since the day we brought him home at 1 week old. He cried all the time! Until he was 3 years old and on medication he never slept for more than 30 minutes at a time, day or night. To say life seemed impossible is actually an understatement. He required constant attention and if I let him out of my sight in another room for one minute he would destroy it. If I was not right beside him when he had a bowel movement in his diaper he would take it off and smear feces all over the walls, carpets and bed. We had to put a lock on our refrigerator because he would climb out of his crib in the middle of the night and dump everything out of the refrigerator smearing it in the carpet, walls, and beds. For years we knew that there were serious problems, but no one could help us. All of the professionals said that his behaviors were out of their expertise. We went from Doctor to Doctor, counselor to counselor and searched everywhere for answers for him and our family. By the age of three, he was thrown out of every daycare in our area, went through at least 30 babysitters, and could not stay in the nursery at Church. He was very violent toward everyone; however most of his rages were taken out on me. He would bite me, hit me and throw things at me. He would put holes in the wall, windows, threw rocks at us, as well as the cars and was basically never happy. When he started school a whole new nightmare started. The fourth day of school he had thrown toys, supplies and destroyed the classroom than ran out of the room causing the teacher to have to leave other students to chase my 4 year old. He was moved to an emotionally disabled class where they had experience with other children like him.
By the time he was 5 he had so many diagnoses I lost count, but none of them actually explained the severity of his behaviors. We had tried 21 different medications and tried at least 4 different kinds of therapy. We started researching the internet and found a few sites about FASD and found that there were several places in the USA that specialized in FASD. Andrew and I packed up, leaving my husband and other two children at home and went in search of a diagnosis. We went to Baltimore, MD and saw a FASD specialist that finally gave him an accurate diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. While we finally had a diagnosis nobody seemed able to help us get his behavior under control and his behavior was getting worse. At that time, he was on 7 medications however none were effective. We went back on the internet searching and learning about FASD and found a "severe" behavior clinic, The Marcus Institute, in Atlanta GA. They observed his behaviors and they immediately asked if we would be open to coming to Atlanta to live for a couple of months so he could attend the clinic. It was their observation that his behaviors were something that would not ever get better without extreme intervention. At this point we had no choice; he was getting bigger, stronger and more destructive everyday. After fighting insurance complications, Andrew and I went to Atlanta where he underwent treatment, testing and training for eight weeks.
After two months of hard work the severe behavior clinic was able to decrease his problem behaviors by 96.6% from when we first started the program. The skills we learned are skills we are still using to keep his behavior under control. While we still have bad days, we also now have good days. He is able to stay at school all day now, with the help of a shadow and he is able to play baseball and football with other kids his age and he is happy.
Andrew, as well as most FASD children will never be what others feel is "normal" and that is okay with us because he is now a happy little boy. He is learning to read, and is slowly learning social skills. We had to adjust our expectations as well as learn to think "outside of the box" when we are dealing with him and his problems. We are living a fairly normal life, whatever that is. We are not healed in the traditional sense but we are functioning and making progress. He is now off of 5 of the 7 medications and has really grown physically and emotionally.
Most children with FASD have many issues to face their entire lives. FASD behaviors are treatable but not a curable condition that can be fixed with therapy or medication. There are some children who benefit from certain types of medication, but the medications only address some of the symptoms. Permanent brain damage cannot be fixed or medicated. Creative behavior management works well most of the time. Children with FASD have processing problems and cannot understand cause, effect, or consequences. One of the most important things I have learned from my son is to keep an open mind, a sense of humor, and my faith in God.
Alcohol damages the parts of the brain that gives us memory, self control, coordinator and judgment. Children with FASD often have difficulties with learning, attention, memory, central nervous system, and problem solving skills that may have lifelong implications. FASD is a permanent condition and affects every aspect of the child's life and the life of their family.
The emotional toll on families cannot be underestimated. For birth parents, acknowledging that their child's mental retardation, birth defects, and/or neurodevelopment disorders are a result of maternal prenatal alcohol consumption is very difficult to face. For adoptive or foster parents, discovering that their child suffers from FASD after years of trying to understand his cognitive and behavioral problems results in feelings of frustration and isolation.
As an adoptive mom I can tell you raising a child with FASD is the hardest but the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Andrew is now 13 years old and is in the seventh grade. He is sweet, generous, loving and very naive. He also has exhibited many of the symptoms associated with FASD since the day we brought him home at 1 week old. He cried all the time! Until he was 3 years old and on medication he never slept for more than 30 minutes at a time, day or night. To say life seemed impossible is actually an understatement. He required constant attention and if I let him out of my sight in another room for one minute he would destroy it. If I was not right beside him when he had a bowel movement in his diaper he would take it off and smear feces all over the walls, carpets and bed. We had to put a lock on our refrigerator because he would climb out of his crib in the middle of the night and dump everything out of the refrigerator smearing it in the carpet, walls, and beds. For years we knew that there were serious problems, but no one could help us. All of the professionals said that his behaviors were out of their expertise. We went from Doctor to Doctor, counselor to counselor and searched everywhere for answers for him and our family. By the age of three, he was thrown out of every daycare in our area, went through at least 30 babysitters, and could not stay in the nursery at Church. He was very violent toward everyone; however most of his rages were taken out on me. He would bite me, hit me and throw things at me. He would put holes in the wall, windows, threw rocks at us, as well as the cars and was basically never happy. When he started school a whole new nightmare started. The fourth day of school he had thrown toys, supplies and destroyed the classroom than ran out of the room causing the teacher to have to leave other students to chase my 4 year old. He was moved to an emotionally disabled class where they had experience with other children like him.
By the time he was 5 he had so many diagnoses I lost count, but none of them actually explained the severity of his behaviors. We had tried 21 different medications and tried at least 4 different kinds of therapy. We started researching the internet and found a few sites about FASD and found that there were several places in the USA that specialized in FASD. Andrew and I packed up, leaving my husband and other two children at home and went in search of a diagnosis. We went to Baltimore, MD and saw a FASD specialist that finally gave him an accurate diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. While we finally had a diagnosis nobody seemed able to help us get his behavior under control and his behavior was getting worse. At that time, he was on 7 medications however none were effective. We went back on the internet searching and learning about FASD and found a "severe" behavior clinic, The Marcus Institute, in Atlanta GA. They observed his behaviors and they immediately asked if we would be open to coming to Atlanta to live for a couple of months so he could attend the clinic. It was their observation that his behaviors were something that would not ever get better without extreme intervention. At this point we had no choice; he was getting bigger, stronger and more destructive everyday. After fighting insurance complications, Andrew and I went to Atlanta where he underwent treatment, testing and training for eight weeks.
After two months of hard work the severe behavior clinic was able to decrease his problem behaviors by 96.6% from when we first started the program. The skills we learned are skills we are still using to keep his behavior under control. While we still have bad days, we also now have good days. He is able to stay at school all day now, with the help of a shadow and he is able to play baseball and football with other kids his age and he is happy.
Andrew, as well as most FASD children will never be what others feel is "normal" and that is okay with us because he is now a happy little boy. He is learning to read, and is slowly learning social skills. We had to adjust our expectations as well as learn to think "outside of the box" when we are dealing with him and his problems. We are living a fairly normal life, whatever that is. We are not healed in the traditional sense but we are functioning and making progress. He is now off of 5 of the 7 medications and has really grown physically and emotionally.
Most children with FASD have many issues to face their entire lives. FASD behaviors are treatable but not a curable condition that can be fixed with therapy or medication. There are some children who benefit from certain types of medication, but the medications only address some of the symptoms. Permanent brain damage cannot be fixed or medicated. Creative behavior management works well most of the time. Children with FASD have processing problems and cannot understand cause, effect, or consequences. One of the most important things I have learned from my son is to keep an open mind, a sense of humor, and my faith in God.
Just because a child has ADHD doesn't make them "bad" kids however what it does make them is many times impulsive. Unfortunately what happens is when a decision has to be made whether right or wrong children with ADHD many times make quick choices and forget to consider the consequences of their actions until it's too late. Many times battles at school and at home become battles because the many people do not understand the actions of children with ADHD.
Children with ADHD become overwhelmed very easily when asked to do both abstract and too many tasks at the same time. They see things as black and white with no gray areas. They struggle with organization, problem solving and impulsiveness so it's always wise that when you are aware of an ADHD child keep in mind they may in fact have some of the mentioned problems. A child with ADHD often has trouble paying attention, inattention to details and makes careless mistakes, easily distracted, loses school supplies, forgets to turn in homework, trouble finishing class work and homework, trouble listening, trouble following multiple adult commands, blurts out answers, impatience fidgets or squirms, leaves seat and runs about or climbs excessively, seems "on the go" talks too much and has difficulty playing quietly, interrupts or intrudes on others. At home the child may show many of the same signs with the addition to some others. I see home behaviors many times increase because in the typical home most families are busy and have things to do in the evenings and weekends making it unstructured and not routine for the child. They become very overwhelmed just from the non structure.
By being aware of their weaknesses adults can be very instrumental in diverting a problem situation before it gets out of hand allowing not only the child with ADHD to keep their dignity but allow the others to view the child with ADHD in a positive way and not always the child getting into trouble. I have seen children with ADHD get frustrated over and over again because they are trying so hard to "be good" and no matter what they feel they can't and what we see is that eventually they just give up. When they get bad grade after bad grade when they are working and trying as hard as they can eventually the helplessness takes over and they realize they can't do it anyway so why stress out.
Looking at the teens that are in trouble with the law, historically if we look back we can trace that most of these kids have problems that go back for years and moms report that these children were many times difficult even while in the womb.
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